Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
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