No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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