Say something about gay babies.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
