My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
She announced her abortion via fbk
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
