I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
