Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
