If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
