My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
