i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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