Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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