Your face is a jimmy john
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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