my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
