dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
