Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
