If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
