Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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