All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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