Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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