it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
