Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
