If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
