omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
