My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
