Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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