I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You made out with two different species that night
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Randomize
