he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
