i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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