Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
