just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
