she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
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