who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Randomize
