I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
