explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
There's a naked man in my car right now.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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