He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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