the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
