you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
