I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Just cropdusted the office
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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