Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
