I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
