Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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