Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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