Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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