I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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