is your mom at the bar?
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
