I need help removing her.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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