i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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