my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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