The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
