His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Randomize
