Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Randomize
