It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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