I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
