I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
